Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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