I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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