I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
