4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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