i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
