I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
