I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
