apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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