You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
