Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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