The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
