i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
