No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
