No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
