You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
