I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I can't turn off my feet"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
