Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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