i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
