Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
