I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
