please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
