I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I smell like Dick and happiness
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
