i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
