sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
