I cockslap morals
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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