we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
