You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
