well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
