I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
