For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
