My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
