he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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