I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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