Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
