She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
