I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
