I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
