Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
