I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
