FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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