I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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