I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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