I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
