I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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