I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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