There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
