I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
