I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
