Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
