I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
